The thing I most like about being half human
So the other day I was feeling all bitchy and bad for myself because I had to stop what I was doing and eat food about once a day and then turn around and sleep for four or so hours each and every effing night and I was all like 'oh fuck this is SUCH a waste of my time, it really is a mortal pain in the ass to be only half robot' and then all of a sudden I had this warm and squishy feeling on my insides and the dark cloud lifted and I remembered one of the only good things about being a person. And you all, of course, know what that is. Peeing.
Now going pee isn't all that awesome in and of itself, but what makes it so great is that it is an opportunity to look at the amazingly and awesomely cute underwear that I have put on myself, and, if I'm lucky, there is a mirror in or near the bathroom and I can dance around and look at myself for a while before other people, real or imagined, start getting suspicious about exactly what the eff it is that I am DOING in there. And it is the best feeling in the world. It's truly the shit that tosses my salad. Sometimes I even go into the bathroom, pull my pants down and pretend to pee just so I can have a look-see. And no matter how many times in an hour, day or lifetime I pull my pants down and look at my panties, I have to admit each and every time is just as good as the first. Now if only the same could be said about things like weeding your garden, drinking too much wine with dinner, or getting married the world would be a much much much better place.
I actually know two people who don't wear underwear. And upon learning their dirty little secret I was ab-so-effing-lute-ly aghast. Not because I'm a prude or anything but because I can't imagine going through life without the pleasure of wearing those bad boys. Give up something stupid and meaningless like food or sleep for fuck's sake, but silky ribboned and rhinestoned thongs? From my cold dead hands, motherfucker.
So since a picture is worth like a million point two words, as you can see below is me with my underwear, only they're covered up with pants in the photo. You will need to use your imagination and/or xray vision to solve the mystery otherwise you might all go blind and I have no problem being responsible for something admirable, like, say, global warming, but I refuse to take the hit on something as fucked up as full blown world blindness just because y'all couldn't handle the awesomeness of my underpanty thong-y thingies. Anyways, just use the imagination your human mind gave you and think of me and my undies every time you go pee. You just might find that you go more often and you come back with one big ass smile on your face.
Now going pee isn't all that awesome in and of itself, but what makes it so great is that it is an opportunity to look at the amazingly and awesomely cute underwear that I have put on myself, and, if I'm lucky, there is a mirror in or near the bathroom and I can dance around and look at myself for a while before other people, real or imagined, start getting suspicious about exactly what the eff it is that I am DOING in there. And it is the best feeling in the world. It's truly the shit that tosses my salad. Sometimes I even go into the bathroom, pull my pants down and pretend to pee just so I can have a look-see. And no matter how many times in an hour, day or lifetime I pull my pants down and look at my panties, I have to admit each and every time is just as good as the first. Now if only the same could be said about things like weeding your garden, drinking too much wine with dinner, or getting married the world would be a much much much better place.
I actually know two people who don't wear underwear. And upon learning their dirty little secret I was ab-so-effing-lute-ly aghast. Not because I'm a prude or anything but because I can't imagine going through life without the pleasure of wearing those bad boys. Give up something stupid and meaningless like food or sleep for fuck's sake, but silky ribboned and rhinestoned thongs? From my cold dead hands, motherfucker.
So since a picture is worth like a million point two words, as you can see below is me with my underwear, only they're covered up with pants in the photo. You will need to use your imagination and/or xray vision to solve the mystery otherwise you might all go blind and I have no problem being responsible for something admirable, like, say, global warming, but I refuse to take the hit on something as fucked up as full blown world blindness just because y'all couldn't handle the awesomeness of my underpanty thong-y thingies. Anyways, just use the imagination your human mind gave you and think of me and my undies every time you go pee. You just might find that you go more often and you come back with one big ass smile on your face.
Posted by Jennifer at 9/17/2010 5:02 PM 
Categories: Why it is also good to be half robot, Mostly true stories, Confessions
Tags: I may or may not *need* to consider taking medication the shit that tosses my salad
Categories: Why it is also good to be half robot, Mostly true stories, Confessions
Tags: I may or may not *need* to consider taking medication the shit that tosses my salad
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