The hitchhiker's guide to protecting yourself from poisonous vipers who want to mind fuck you
So I'm really *awesome* at telling stories but really shitty at lying. Which, like most things about me, makes ab-so-fuck-ing-lutely no sense. Even the smallest stupidest shit that novice liars can pull off like pros eludes my very limited skill set. Like the ubiquitous 'How are you?' and/or 'How's it going?' Every asshole knows there's only one right answer to that bad boy. And it's 'good' (unless you get all hung up on grammar and then you get all erudite and shit and say 'It's going very well, fuck you very much'.
And so yesterday when someone asked me that exact question I was all like 'Fuck yeah, I know the answer to that one' and threw out the obligatory one-worder out. And then 'You're lying' sailed right back at me. And they were sorta kinda right because I sorta kinda wasn't. I had been caught in a moment when the customary happy thoughts like having sex with aliens and/or zombies, growing your own food supply on your back, or buying shit with dogs instead of money were overtaken by irrational fears like would I remember to eat food every day when I live by myself for the first time ever in two weeks and will my Barbie Dolls be sad because they are moving to my basement. And then I did something that I have never, ever, ever-ever done in my life, not even when my favorite cat Georgie got hit by a snowplow and we found him all frozen and shaped like a half moon under the porch the next morning. I looked another person in the eye and cried (and by person I mean an actual member of the home sapiens species who is alive in this time and dimension and was in the room with me having an out loud conversation).
Now I know what you're thinking. And you're totally wrong. I didn't cheat by sticking sandy hands and/or bleach in my eyes first to get all teary and shit. Those bad boys were real and bubbled all the way up from the depths of my newly polished feet. And then I was all like 'Fuck. I got my crying cherry popped by someone calling me an effing liar. I was totally saving that for being attacked by like six ninjas in a dark alleyway, or by being on a cruise ship that gets hijacked by Somali pirates who totally decide that I would make a good sixth wife for their king or something.'
And then the weirdest thing happened. Said person told me that they knew I had a lot going on lately, that they knew me well enough to not put a gun or other weapon-y thing to my head to force me to <gasp> talk about it, but that they were here for me no matter what. And then they gave me a hug. And I didn't do my customary 'let's hug without actually touching each other, or better yet why don't we just smile and wave Queen Elizabeth style' deal. I gave the kind of hug that might have possibly gotten me stoned to death in most if not all middle eastern countries. And then I let myself be hugged AND let myself cry for like 16.4 more seconds (I might allow a little space for crying and hugging in my life but will NEVER EVER EVER stop counting things).
Now the funny part is said person isn't someone that a) I'm particularly close to and/or have been or would consider being married to and b) someone that I don't even really like a whole lot (I've always secretly thought they were kind of an asshole). And it still felt good. And it really did the trick. Like six seconds later the poisonous mind-fucking vipers that bite into your brain and make you have thoughts so shitty you cry in public and rub up on people you kind of sort of know and barely like had moved out of my head and onto slimier pastures. And then it was so simple it I felt like I might need to build a time machine just so I could go back to school and ride the short bus. Free hugs, those asinine things that I had been mocking since the beginning of 2.0 time, were the effing antidote for the poisonous viper mind fuck bite. Go figure. Great, now I can say that not only do I cry and enjoy hugging like I'm some kind of unshaven dirty hippie, I am also, on occasion *wrong* as well. I will probably lose my android half breed creds for this post, but I don't <really> care (I guess). In fact, the whole experience felt so good I would like to do it more often.
So if you pass me on the street, sneak up behind him and hit me ever-so-gently on the back of the head with a hammer until my eyes start to well up. And then wrap your arms around me and give me the biggest, closest hug in the world. And I will like it. I promise.
Posted by Jennifer at 8/19/2010 11:02 AM 
Categories: Self improvement, Animals also have a master plan and it doesn't involve humans being in the driver's seat, Better to fuck up your own life rather than have someone else do it for you
Tags: be like nike and just *fucking* do it I may or may not *need* to consider taking medication
Categories: Self improvement, Animals also have a master plan and it doesn't involve humans being in the driver's seat, Better to fuck up your own life rather than have someone else do it for you
Tags: be like nike and just *fucking* do it I may or may not *need* to consider taking medication
So who was it?
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