SpaghettiBurrito.com big ideas for small times: If you think the shit I say to other people is a little *off* you should here what I say to myself

If you think the shit I say to other people is a little off you should here what I say to myself

So when I'm not earning money at my real job, eating cheese, getting a little drunk, making up crazy shit, writing crazy shit or practicing square dancing I am doing something else. And that something is making endless 'notes to self'. And by 'notes to self' I mean actual notes on stickies, loose paper, gum wrappers and writing on my or someone else's arm to remind me to do, or not to do something important. Works of art these are not and they are usually pretty graphic and personal and only apply to me and a lot of other people and are really not coherent enough to be blog worthy. Even for here. Last weekend I wrote one of these notes (well actually I wrote sixteen of them but I will only count one since four were in Klingon, two were shopping lists, and nine had to due with the United States Postal Service) and even though it was addressed 'to self' I wanted, for the first time, to share it here.

As you may or may not recall, I extra lost my mind last month (even for me) and rented an apartment on the beach 148 miles from my home. And this place on the beach isn't just any old place. It's Provincetown, Massachusetts which is famous for being the first landing place of the pilgrims and having the highest ratio of freaks to non-freaks pretty much anywhere in the history of the world. I think I will fit in perfectly since I am a Mayflower descendant. I am even bringing my Pilgrim Costume with me. And on the eve of my journey, I thought it was important to write myself a note to remind me what I am supposed to do when I finally arrive at my very magical destination.

And here it is:

20 Promises for Provincetown

1) I will write something that incorporates a new way to use the eff word every single day. That is why I am coming hereand I will not lose sight of that.

2) I will be like Jim Carey in Yes Man and never turn down an offer. Unless it involves someone's grandparents and nudity.

3) I will not judge anyone because I live in the glassiest house around.

4) Just because I have made one friend I will not give myself 'the friendliest girl in town' award. I will put on my big girl panties and make more effing friends.

5) I will not have random sex.

6) I will not have lesbian sex.

7) I will not have group sex.

8) I will leave my house every day and talk to at least one person. And by person I mean someone who is alive in this dimension and that other people, when asked, will acknowledge they can also see said person.

9) I will be honest in my writing. Even if it hurts me or other people. But not if it hurts animals. I will totally lie to protect the feelings of my four, six and hundred legged friends.

10) I will invite my old friends for visits but will not use them as a crutch to prevent me from meeting new people. Unless every new person I meet wants me to get naked with their grandmother. Then it will be okay to use my old friends as a crutch because they only get naked in the shower. And maybe not even then.

11) I will learn the name of at least one new person each week. Reading people's name tags who work in stores and having imaginary conversations with them will not count.

12) I will not experiment with any drug I have never taken before. This includes suspect herbal remedies, too.

13) I will produce the best work of my life in the coming months, both personally and professionally. I will award myself a ribbon like people get in horse shows every time I do something extra good and I will wear my ribbons to show other people that I am producing good work.

14) I will not give any one person any more of me than they have earned. If you want the shirt off of my back you will need to win it off me fair and square in a game of legitimate strip poker where I am not the only drunk person playing.

15) I will communicate with my replicant every day. Just because his mom has run away to join the proverbial circus and that he is now legally considered a grown ass man doesn't mean that he doesn't want his mommy to tuck him in remotely each and every night both now and for the rest of his life.

16) I will not enter into a bad or toxic relationship with a friend or a lover. Unless we have both agreed that we are no longer being green and poisonous chemicals are the very best building blocks for bonding.

17) If a relationship turns bad,toxic, boring or otherwise shitty I will get the fuck out rather than ride out the storm for 8 or 9 years like I usually do. True story.

18) I will listen to one song every day that I have never heard before. Even if it means having to add a Japanese folk station to Pandora One.

19) I will let myself have feelings and remember that I am only HALF robot. The other half is a person and it is ok to be vulnerable or imperfect. But I reserve the right to hide this again in the event the Earth is attacked by Cyborgs.

20) I will appreciate the people places and things around me at all times. If I can’t feel the magic here then magic does not exist and I don’t believe that for a second.

So there it is. Probably the most coherent 'note to self' I've ever written. And here's a note to y'all: if my writing over the coming months leads you to believe I am straying from any or all of these ground rules, feel free to take a train, plane or automobile to land's end and give me one helluva spanking. Just don't take your naked lesbian group sex having grandpa with you if you do. Because that would be cheating.